F.A.G (Feelings Aren't Gross)

Hey, it's just lil' old me again guys.
As you may tire of hearing, I have been awfully busy of late and in an effort to ensure I am well rested and prepared for my following days, my rambling has been put to one side. Given that I've had an afternoon nap and cannot think of any current domestic emergency (other than the knowledge a takeaway is coming, none of which is mine?!?!), rejoice! I am back.

53 days now since I've had a panic attack. 53 days since I changed my life. 53 days since I thought I didn't want to be here. 53 days since I realised I was surrounded by people who had my worst intentions at heart. 53 days since I started building positive relationships. 53 fucking days since I've took any form of stimulant/ depressant (other than caffeine, cause fuck, lets not expect miracles) Essentially, 53 days since I turned my life around.

So much has happened in those 53 days, some that I have covered and some that I hadn't. If you'd have told me a year ago that I would be in this position I would have laughed in your face. Never have I believed that I could commit to bettering myself so. I was certain, deep down that I would have flaked by now. That I would have done a runner from my sisters family home, and set up somewhere that I could drink myself into oblivion on a regular occasion and lose myself in the process.

 If I'm honest I'm still not sure that I am in anyway ready for a steady relationship of any form until I am at one with myself. I'm dating, as mentioned in previous posts, but for now it's not anything serious. Right now, my own insecurities and fear hold me back. I cannot allow myself to throw myself into one human and risk relapsing into the shell that I was. The fucking WONDERFUL chap is very patient and as I explain each little overreaction, he takes it on. Yet still, I think it will be a long time until I can allow myself to say that it is anything more. In my mind, there's still so much opportunity for him, to be the monster I've feared so long. I had no faith in myself until about two weeks ago, despite preaching about it so. The longer I stay successful, the more faith builds. The closer I am to trusting others.

 Never did I think that this blog would materialise, nor that people from Singapore, Ukraine, Poland, Canada and fucking Brazil??? would be paying attention to me. I had an inspiring chat with a lovely young lady, earlier this day. Who reminded me that all my awkward little quirks weren't mine alone. That really, we are all a band of sisters who need to have love and respect for one another. 'E' also informed me, in what could/should have been a hostile encounter, that my writing had helped her with her own demons. Turns out, lovely little E is a reader, introduced too me by her other half. As a pair, they've been following my progression, and something about that touches my soul.

 Now I know I'm generally quite an emotional person. and the littlest things often effect me in great ways, but imagine knowing that little you, a serial fuck up from Sheffield who often pretends to be someone else, can impact someone else's life by simply talking through your insecurities and irrational fears. It was somewhat affirming for me. Now, you may find yourself thinking, "why the fuck would you put so much stock in a strangers opinion, soph?" Answer simply is, if anyone is brave enough to come forward to me via insta/twitter/any other social media platform/ or even in real fucking life, then my role is fulfilled. My little blog is getting people talking, opening up and discussing their own traumas. Whether it's twelve or twelve hundred, it's something and it's fucking positive. 

I've not had so much time (or money) to be treating myself to poetry books and there's a distinct lack of beauty in my life currently. I mean, I am managing to wake and find one thing I love about each and every day, and mother nature keeps throwing little oddities at me that remind me of the beauty of the world, but this is a public plea!..

 I wanna get a lil book club going, where we can forward our favourites on, saving us many pennies and providing many smiles. If anyone has any info please send me DM through any of my accounts! It would be so, so appreciated.

Scrounging for literature aside, I want to thank those who have been by my side this year. You have no idea how much it matters to me. Things are never going to be perfect for me, I accept that, but sometimes it can be better than it is. I know I've cut off the right people, but it doesn't mean I don't feel a little lonely when all of my Saturday plans end before 11pm. The ones who text me occasionally to ask if I fancy a coffee/ accompanying them on a shopping trip/ grabbing a bite, those are the ones who remind me I matter.

 Currently, if I'm honest I'm in a bit of a 'Who Am I?' crisis. I don't feel at all loved by the people I should. More like the burden that they cannot shake. I'm fucking exhausted as I haven't found the time to grab my new manager and disclose my health to him nor my recommended hours. I'm working more hours than I should and having one day off a week. I am worrying myself about what my pay packet will contain next week. I could not tell you the last time I slept a full night through. Last night I had approximately 2 hours sleep whilst waking almost hourly. (Granted, for the first time in months I was being held, so swings and roundabouts) With so much darting around my head, I'm neglecting myself and the ones that matter. This is something I'm aware of and that will be amended before it impacts my health any further.

 People keep asking how I'm doing and I suppose if they read this post they will worry I'm not, at all okay, but I need to tell you that I'm doing better than I ever was before. Yes, my situation is not ideal, but I'm not drowning. At the moment I can relate to a fledgling, I am a little wobbly, but so,so, close to free flight. 

Tonight I've had a few rambles to share with you and I'm so grateful to each and everyone of you for reading through with me. For now I leave you to (hopefully) ponder how far you've all come in your own progression.thank you, my darlings.

I will leave you with tonight's discovery. A couple of gems that appeared on my Discover Weekly playlist on Spotify.

This Is Love // Lilla Vargan

       (not really a discovery as I've adored them since I was 14)    -     Raining In Paris // The Maine

Live For Love // Sheldoncole

Socks And Sandals // Dutch Criminal Record

Roots // Orla Gartland

Nicotine // Escapades

Give Hope // Anthony Anaxagorou, Karim Kamar

Land Of The Living // Roo Panes 

 As always, Soph. X