Foes

Good evening my lovelies, I am now (almost) all settled in at my new home and after spending a week or so making adjustments and ensuring my comfort, I am back as promised. Things are going well at my end, I am still continuing to enjoy work, I am very much still in a happy, healthy, rewarding relationship and amongst all the chaos I have managed to maintain a healthy diet and create some lovely pieces for my little home.

Regardless of all the above, I found myself facing an age old foe today, lonliness.

The definition of loneliness is as follows, 

Loneliness is a complex and usually unpleasant emotional response to isolation. Loneliness typically includes anxious feelings about a lack of connection or communication with other beings, both in the present and extending into the future. As such, loneliness can be felt even when surrounded by other people.

Even after spending a long weekend with my beloved and feeling as safe and content as ever, I felt lonely. I managed to make my way through the day by being productive, I got crafty with cement and wooden dowels, I read a new book, I did all the washing and had a therapeutic bath, but it wasn't easy. This disheartening sentiment of solitude, it's illogical, I have plans to see people, my housemates are always around somewhere, my parents are planning on visiting soon and I know my lovely H is only a whatsapp away, but the feeling persists. It got me to thinking, how is it that in today's uber connected world, we still manage to feel isolated? 

Now I'm fortunate, my lovelies, I really am, I have literally hundreds of connections, of which I'd say I could realistically reach out to at least 10%, there is always someone available for a chat, yet there is a shame in reaching out to such folk. It feels like a badge of shame, in this day to say 'Hello, I'm feeling a little lonesome, do you fancy a brew?' for such a simple notion, it can be so uncomfortable to say aloud.

I was actually supposed to attend a workshop today in the effort to meet new people from a variety of backgrounds and to put something back into the community, but the notion of attending alone left me anxious, therefor I didn't bother. Logically I know that I would have been on edge for perhaps 10 minutes, then would have got speaking to other like minded folk, but the fear of being the one soul there without company rendered me unable to do so.

About an hour or so after H left mine this morning (he's been here since Saturday so it's not like I've spent much time away from him) I began missing him. Now I am aware that I am a rather clingy partner, but I noted that this sense of longing was purely down to my not wanting to be alone, not due to particularly wanting him here. 

It's not just me who goes through this I know. There is a lovely lady I know who cannot stand a moment alone, to the extent where she tolerates less than lovely partners and toxic friends to maintain some form of contact. Fortunately I have spent some time focusing on getting to know me following my numerous meltdowns, and I'm getting to be comfortable alone, but this need to be in a crowd, it's so much more common than you'd initially think. Think about all those times you've gone to that one shit bar, the one that overcharges and plays all the music you hate, just so you'd be out with friends, on those occasions you've put yourself in a position where you aren't having much fun, but you don't really want to be at home alone. It's human nature to need to belong, but at some point we all also need to delve deeper into ourselves to discover who we are alone.

It's such a confusing dilemma to face, at what point do you have to take a step back and evaluate whether your loneliness is healthy or not. By staying home today did I cut myself off from new opportunities and a bit of fresh air, or did I build my ability to manage alone? Around five-ish this evening, out of concern that I may fall back into the lonely void, I contemplated going to the other side of the city to see family just so that I would be around others and in turn, avoid myself. I'm still unsure as to which would have been the better path to take in my ever winding road to escaping the sad-sads, but I do feel a sense of pride for being productive through my blues. As a result I've come across Edward Hopper, an artist that uses the concept of urban loneliness and captures it with such beauty that I would like to share with you all. 

This is my favourite piece, 'Night Windows' 1928

Thank you for continuing to listen to my rambles, you'll never know how much it means to me.

As always, all my love. 

Soph x