Centered

So, I've been in quarantine since Monday, I am now aware of how fucking irritating and irrational tonsils are. (feel free to send flowers ect) I also learnt how inconvenient it is to have a history of overdosing, when it's 2:30AM, you are in agony, the pharmaceuticals are hidden and your sisters asleep, but we live and learn! I've decided to come back and fill you all in on my little life with some of my free time. So here we go again,

 Live, from the house of toddlers, puppies and tonsillitis I have an announcement..

I AM FUCKING HAPPY.

Beautifully, simplistically, wholly, gloriously fucking happy.

I've been apprehensive about broadcasting this, fearing that it would become the catalyst for that ever waiting cloud to reappear, but for a while now I've remained safe. I've had 'normal people blues' of course but no depression, no anxiety, just the average range of emotions and thoughts. Usually something like this would have been accompanied by the arrival of a new partner, but for the first time it is all on me. (with a lil help from my gorgeous pals)

For those reading who are in a rut, I apologise, I'm not trying to rub it in at all, just to show what is waiting at the other side. To demonstrate that, at some point, it will change and it's not all a bullshit cliche. Something clicked inside me earlier this year, my world shifted and with it, I became a new woman. One with hope and wonder. An independent, articulate lady with no fear. Those who know me personally have seen it, there's a glow in me. I look as good as I feel. I'm bolder in my attire, I'm finally comfortable in my own skin. You'll see me out and about, full of genuine laughter and love. It's hard to express through written word how much I have actually changed. It's something I think you can only feel, and it feels amazing.

I've got confident enough in myself to begin pressing on with my plans for the future. For those unaware, before I tried to kill myself, I was planning to move away from Sheffield, to see beauty and culture. After the final meltdown, it was decided I was in no fit state to live alone, never mind face life in a strange town with no support network. Now currently, I'm not sure if I want to move out of
Sheffield permanently, but I know I am ready to see more of the world. I've got myself together, ordered a passport, applied for a new job in Sheffield that would allow me to save more, and applied for a summer job in Greece. This may or may not come through, I will make the choice when I'm ready, but these little steps are the ones that mean the most to me. For what seems like forever I've had great ideas, but never the courage to follow through but finally, with the knowledge of how strong and capable I truly am, it is my time. Perhaps working away will be a winter thing or even next year, but I will be going away at least once this year, just for myself, to know that I made it happen.

2018, it seems, is my year. From the get go I've been on a roll. I've had a complete image shakeup, my walls have come down, I feel more creative than ever. I now feel confident when I walk into a salon, something that for years, filled me with fear. Along a similar vein, I had sober sex last week. For someone who has had a history of body hangups and serious self confidence issues, this was monumental. Now I've obviously had sober sex in the past, but for the first time in years, I wasnt at all ashamed. It was liberating to be able to moan and writhe without feeling the urge to hide, and for the first time in years, look him in the fucking eye when he was inside me. I can't remember the last time I truly came, and you know what, I cannot count the amount of times I came in the 24 hours I spent in that bed. (Obviously, this was partially down to him being fucking g r e a t, but also massssssively down to me, appreciating me and feeling free.)

Now, I need to make a huge shoutout, I cannot see any of these changes taking place without my angels by my side.

I've somehow discovered this group of pure souls (who have always been there but I have been super duper blind), who are there for me. The ones who don't mind what time it is, who don't mind what the subject of discussion is, they just want to be a part of my life. I feel loved, and celebrated. My anxiety has always held me back when it comes to friendship, I've always felt more like a tolerance to be had than a welcomed member of the gang. The awkward addition, there to make up the numbers. Finally thought, my anxious mind has released its hold on me, and consequently, I have opened my eyes, I really am fucking loved. From the friend who takes me to the fucking bingo hall to remind me its okay to loose your mind sometimes, to the one who gives you a bed for the night when you've had one too many and you are in a tangle, I cannot thank you all enough for being you. You've reminded me that I do have safe spaces to run to, and so, so importantly, that I matter.

Oh and on top of all of this happy, super buzzy fuzziness, I haven't touched drugs this year. I am now drinking again, but no drugs at all. This, for me is incredible.

Seems things really are coming up Swift, and all I can do is embrace every moment and say god bless the NHS (and my amazing family)


Until next time my darlings, Soph. X