Go easy.
Good morning my darlings, as it's mental health awareness week I figured it's the best time to talk about what's been going on in my world. I hope you are all well, and you've all been taking good care of yourselves. I've managed to get a holiday day booked in (long weekend, yay!) to enjoy the sunshine and to have a breather, so with a day of freedom ahead of me, here we go..
First up, I guess I should give you all some form of update on where I am at. Well my lovely's, I'm in a new job, and I'm actually doing alright at it, I've made some lovely friends already, I've somehow managed to have at least one adventure every week for quite some time now. I got to see Beans On Toast (I know I've told you before, but again CHECK HIM OUT) finally on Saturday (and got unbelievably bollocksed) I've been on a couple of dates. I've been braver than ever with my attire and I've never felt as fabulous. I've been super kind to my body and eaten pretty much all the fruits and nuts you could imagine. I've become so content in who I am, I think I've finally reached indubitable self love.
Who would have thought, miserable lil Swift who couldn't even hack going to a shop without breaking down would come so far?!
With my catch up aside, I better get cracking with the point of this post..
Last week I had to answer the most complex question I have yet had to face. A very dear friend who looked after me throughout the deepest of my depression asked me 'how do you cope with an overactive mind?'
I realised I was stumped, I managed to overcome my illness and somehow break through to the blissful, serene other side but I couldn't give a definitive answer as to how. I've been fortunate, I've had so many people who were willing to sit and just listen to me. I have since thought a lot of this question and with the news of Scott Hutchinson's tragic passing, I worry. I worry about the ones who often don't seek help or solace. The quiet souls, who spend their days battling a hundred thoughts a minute, who don't know how to find a quiet corner in their mind. I worry also about the people who do speak out, who do actively seek assistance but still cannot find any peace.
I recently read that people with a higher IQ are more likely to suffer from anxiety and I usually pay no mind to these articles that throw mental health in a box but for once it made sense. The more active your brain is, the more susceptible you are to your environment. I easily get bored of the mundane, and this, I believe is partially why I turned to narcotics for a release. A simple existence isn't something that I can ever imagine myself being content with and in order to keep myself engaged I must keep pursuing the new. Fortunatly I have a group of friends who also enjoy being active and seeking adventure, but I can only imagine how low I would be if I spent my time repeating the same tasks.
I spent a lot of last year being unable to ignore the constant self doubt and niggling thoughts. Anyone who has been close to me saw what it did to me. I wasn't me anymore. It nearly killed me, yet I also believe it helped save me. I now see the world in all it's beauty. I try to live as full as I can and be kind to myself. As I sat and listened to my friend describe where he was at it, broke my heart, I'm not naive enough to think that I have any form of worldly wisdom that could save him, I could only hope that him knowing he has someone that understands and loves him could ease his woe.
I couldn't summon any faux positivity for him, as I believe lies bring only detriment, (also he's known me long enough to know when I'm bullshitting him). I realised I could only ask him to ride it out, just take it a day at a time and try to see the beauty in the little things. I explained that yes, it is painful to see so much and be surrounded by noise, but it also gives the opportunity to soak in so much more of the world, if he could channel that energy into something creative he could do anything. We talked for a couple of hours and I relayed the levels of illness I had passed through. It wasn't one flat equal depression, it was a complex layered illness. Some days I had nothing inside me, no emotion, no desire, no soph. Some days I had everything all at once, my mind could be louder than any arena show or as quiet as a museum. He had to learn to just take those days as they were, to know that the following day was a new day, and a new opportunity. (cliche, I'm sorry)
I came to the stark reality that I had to be brutally honest and explain it wasn't until I was laid in that hospital bed, accompanied with only my thoughts, that I saw a change and in reality, he might not see an improvement for some time, but eventually he would. I realised how much of a cliche I had become, but for the first time I wasn't ashamed, only a quiet pride took residence. Not only had I beaten my darkest demons, I had become a confidant for others, someone to advise and listen.
I'm sure it's not the same traverse for everyone and I hope that no-one has to go to such an extreme to see a change but that was my pivotal moment. I still would say I have depression, as I have for the past decade, but now I'm steering it, I've learnt how to manage myself, some might see it as I am merely distracting myself and to some degree, I do still worry that it will all come crashing down on me and after such a blissful stint of happiness I could end up in a worse position than before, but I am sure, if that time comes, I know I've got the strength to overcome it again.
In conclusion the only advice I could give to my dear, dear friend was simply. Ride it out. Think of what you have to come and how far you've already come, and go easy on yourself. It's a shit conclusion admittedly, but it's the only one I can gather. I experimented with many remedies in my deepest melancholia and the only one that brought any comfort was time (and being constantly reminded how dearly I was loved)
I want to offer my condolences to all who have been affected by the passing of Scott, it's tragic that someone who spoke so openly of his illness, and was so clearly crying out for help, didn't receive the amount of support he needed. I, unfortunately have to agree with a large majority and say there simply isn't enough support for mental health. I remember my doctors appointments being 4-5 minutes long, receiving a slip for more meds, a sick note, a pamphlet on stress management and sent on my way. I'm unsure on whether or not we will see a drastic change but in the mean time, let's try to be more kind. To encourage others to open up, to love them and be there, remember, loneliness is a killer guys.
Please use this week to be there for others, also use it to love yourself. Try to be honest about your illness, talk about it.
P.S - Tunes of the week to check out in the sunshine..
Mr Help Me Out // Okke Punt
Never In My Wildest Dreams // Dan Auerback
Mountain To Move // Nick Mulvey
Empty Man // Orla Gartland
A Place We Can Forget // Vida
Barbiturates // Indoor Pets
Tell-Tale Hearts // Alverez Kings
Faces // The Ratells
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