It feels weird

It feels weird to call you a friend, when really all I know of you is your name and your music, however it feels weird to call you a stranger when you know so much of me. It feels weird that one gesture may invoke a thousand feelings, a thousand thoughts. It feels weird that I thought maybe I was just someone that fitted the mould at the time, and was forgotten as fast as I was found. I know now that I made an impact. It feels weird that I could mean something to someone who was almost a stranger. It's a weird situation when you are writing to someone other than your beloved about so many feelings dwelling within you.

Truthfully, it feels weird, because I thought I had put down the pen, (or the laptop to be precise) as I had reached the pivotal moment when my life became all I had wanted it to be, to had reached happiness, only to be inspired by someone who had honestly had become a person I once had a fleeting interaction with.

Turns out I was wrong about who I am, and how the world perceives me.

Truth is, I'm not sure how to approach any of this without giving the wrong message to the man I very dearly love, as I'm essentially writing an open letter to another man. This is all completely platonic, and a pure note of gratitude, but knowing that it contains so many feelings I fear may convey the wrong message.

Let me start with H, he is one of the most wonderful, quiet souls I have ever met, he makes me feel complete. He is my corner stone. Quiet adoration, consistent and supportive. For the first time ever I have complete faith in another. As much as he doesn't send me letters of love or sing from the rooftops, I know he will be there when I need him and will give me all the room I need to grow. It's a calmer, more grown up sense of practical love, and it's fucking beautiful. H isn't the one this is about as I know he's awfully shy (apologies for this) so I will return to the subject.

Today I received a message out of the blue, one that I never could have seen on the horizon. A dedication to a song that I found to be as beautiful as the sentiment. It wasn't a sleazy love song or a song about the drunken, green eyed girl. It was a message of hope, of faith for a girl who felt so invisible to the world. it reminded me of who I used to be years ago, the girl who left the stage and was a bloody hard act to follow. It was a song wrote about me, from a time I've left behind.

See, I used to receive messages whenever I left a place on how people missed me, how I was so different and brought an energy to the place ect, but I never really believed them. Assumed they were just social platitudes given as easily as change in a shop. Today I had a song wrote about me, by an almost stranger. Not one that at all mention my appearance or at all anything sexual, one that demonstrated a deep interest in my tale, and the pure faith in my ability to leave the void I was in. Now that I have become 'better' I often forget who I was. I forgot my pledge to sobriety as I found a way to handle myself better, I forget the times I spent in a pit of pick-me-up shags and up the nose remedies. I feel pride these days, when I'm telling my family what I've been doing, what I've been eating and more importantly what I plan to do, but I also feel shame when I have to rehash my darker times. It's almost as though the person I was less than a year ago, was never there sometimes. Of course, I still have my bad days, where I do remember and feel as worthless as I did, but now I have the strength to be better than I was, these moments are fleeting and often are gone, as soon as they appear. Instantly, I return to the soph I am now.

To hear of this song, at first scared me. I avoided listening to it. Firstly due to me being with my H and not being sure what it would contain, how it may make him feel, then secondly due to avoiding the reminder of who I was, mostly, due to the unknown - what if it was a tale of an awful girl who spilled her life out on tinder to strangers?

After a gin I decided it would be time to listen.

It was beautiful, it was in my style, in my key, and sung a song of nothing but hope for a lost individual. It reminded me of all the good I have discovered in myself and equally in others. Such a beautiful expression from someone so distant. If I'm honest, I'm not sure how I'll ever thank the artist, but I'm hoping this is good start. I spent a lot if time rebuilding myself and to see that another had such faith in me, when I didn't really have any has shown me that I matter. From the pace, to the acoustic vibe it was a song about me, and it all fit perfectly.

Due to the nature of my new, rather quiet (and mundane at times) life, I have avoided writing in fear of being boring but this reinstalled a faith in me. That I am enough. That I am someone special, and that yes, people do find my ramblings comforting.

It's a strange sensation when you feel that because you are no longer on the edge, you are no longer of any relevance but it's also a kind of comfort that you are now at peace. I'm not sure how to word any of it if I'm honest, but to be brought back to this place, my little, very open, diary is extraordinary.

I guess this is a very open letter, to say thank you. To say you reminded me of who I am. To say your time was very well spent, and very much appreciated. I'm sorry it's pretty much all about me and my thoughts but it's the way I hope/think you'd like me to word it. You always seemed very interested in what I had to say and my perspective at a time when I very much needed an outlet and sound logic. You were there with open ears.

 Your music portrays the beauty you hold, again I must reiterate so I don't give out the wrong message, this is purely platonic and very much a sentiment from one friend, to another, but from the bottom of my heart, thank you. I wish you an easy recovery, and a long, joyful life.

Whenever you need me, I'll be here.

Soph. X