I won't say that I'm okay.

I've had a little break from writing recently due to a rather severe blockage and lack of time, but I'm back (following a kick up the arse from a lovely chap) kids. It's a rambly update on my mundane life and kudos to anyone who bothers to read I suppose. Settle down with a brew 'cause here comes another overshare..

I've been sober over a month. I'm back in full time(ish) work. I'm feeling all round, healthier. I've successfully changed my lifestyle, and I'm bloody proud. Yet with all this going on I've still been rather blue. Granted, my depression has not been anywhere near as deep or as painful as it was, but it's still very much a part of my day to day life. Currently I'm just devoid of emotion and not really feelin' myself. If I'm completely honest I'm struggling to write right now, but in an attempt to get back to where I was, I'm giving it a go.

So first off, sobriety update. I have actually managed a full month (and two days..) A couple of times I have thought of sneaking off for a quick pint because 'nobody would know/ just the one wouldn't hurt/ it may be the just the trick to perk me up.' Even as I type I have a thirst that no amount of Tetleys (yes, it is a marvel, a Yorkshire bird that prefers Tetleys to Yorkshire Tea)/ hot Vimpto can quench.  I nipped to see a dear friend earlier today and as she sipped her cider all I could think of was 'treating' myself to a bev. Fortunately I was smart enough to leave and get cracking on with the million and one things I had to complete, but I know had I not that I would still have been out now, drunkenly rambling and most definitely crying. I often find myself arguing with my lesser judgement, deciding whether or not to have a 'cheat day.'

When I made the decision to go sober I was single, (disclaimer, I still am but..)  I've found that sober dating is fucking hard. On one hand, it means I can establish a more definite connection with the other dater (Datee?? I'm not even sure what to call this stage if I'm honest) but regarding the physical side of it all, I'm not sure I can initiate sober sex. Nor be comfortable having someone see me bare without my little helpers. So it leaves me in somewhat of a rut. I want to get things moving to the next level (I'm sorry for the cliche lines here kids, I'm really trying to avoid them) buuuuuttttt it is bloody DIFFICULT. Also, its fucking hard to find nice date venues that doesn't involve drinking in January. I hate the cold and honestly, there's only so much coffee a girl can drink. A few friends have distanced themselves since I've become sober and I don't know if it's because I'm not able to go on the sesh or just because we've grown apart. It's not easy to accept and it is only from going dry that I have noticed how integral alcohol is to socialisation. It's scary y'know, contemplating loss due to bettering yourself, and I know people will say that those people don't deserve to be a part of your life, it doesn't mean it is gonna hurt any less. I'm still struggling with it all, especially now I'm back in pubs full time but I am trying my best to distract myself. - side note, the dryer I get, the stronger my brow game is getting. Always a positive note!

Work life, let me be clear, I fucking love bar work. I love the people you meet, the opportunities it presents and it is something I'm really fucking good at. However, it isn't as simple as 'pulling pints and fellas' it is being on your feet for 8/12 hours a day. It is ensuring you meet health and safety audits, internal service audits, memorising a three page menu and having to recite said menu when people cannot decide what they fancy. It is the skin flares ups and replacing shoes every two weeks. Washing your feet twice a day because bars give you VERY smelly feet. All this being said, my depressive episodes were never that unbearable when I was working full time and as I settle back into it, I can feel myself getting better. I'm blossoming again. Currently I'm working local and at the other side of Sheffield, people often ask why I travel so far for work, and it's because I like it there. I like having an hour or so with my earphones in before a shift, turning up to a pub where the customers don't know your address and you can be whoever you want.

Sex life, ZERO, ZILCH, NEIN, NONE. It would appear that I have no sexual prowess without alcohol/narcs. I have however, been on a date! I have found a human that I fancy, who appears to actually like me a little bit. For now it's super early and I have no idea if it's leading anywhere but for now it's super cool to have just another date lined up and to continue sending him my chaotic rants about nonsense. So guys, to be continued on this one.. (hopefully I will have got laid soon cause its been A WHIIIILE)

Currently not much is going on with me as you can see and I'm trying my best to lead a simple life with as little drama as possible. I'm accepting my days as they come and being patient. Big love to you all for being patient with me. It's not been my most thrilling post, and I'm sure soon enough I'll be back to tell you all more stories that shouldn't be put out to the internet. Now, I think I've pushed my boundaries tonight on writing, so I'm off to get a cuppa, snacks and hopefully an early night as I've been struggling with my sleep.

I'll leave you all, my darlings with an excerpt from Love after Love - Derek Walcott..

Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,

peel your own image from the mirror.

Sit. Feast on your life.

As always, Soph. x