To Me, Love Me.

(This is a letter I wrote to myself some time ago, to remind me on my worst days that I matter)

Hey doll, it's been a long day right? 
I expect right now, you just want to close your eyes for a while. Please, before you do, just stop and read this. You are tired and scared, but you are tired because you have been a warrior for so long now, you've been treating water daily to keep your head amongst oxygen, flailing aimlessly at invisible foes, stabbing at your tiring heart. Sweetheart, it would be impossible to shine so bright without ever dimming once in a while. It's easy to say don't worry, it's going to get better, it probably won't help right now but the reality is, it will, but it may not be straight away.

Right now just breathe and remember, remember how beautiful spring can be. How throughout the winter the world is so cold, the branches of the aged trees barren, reaching desperately for their armoury of leaves. This season of blues goes on for so long, it becomes almost impossible to remember the warmth of summer, but then one day you will wake, to greenery and life. You have been ill for as long as you remember, depression isn't a disgruntled tenant, willing to pack up and find a home elsewhere anytime soon, but you are learning how to move around him. You are getting there.

These days are going to come and go, you are going to grow weary of the cycle, you may even consider just stopping it all. Don't. As much as the cycle is perpetual, you'll endure it, and grow from it. Every time you emerge into the field of clarity and peace, you have learnt another coping mechanism, you have picked up a new creative outlet. You wait for those glorious days in March, the Daffodils are on their way darling, the bulbs are sprouting as we speak. For every awful, bedridden day, you will discover it is matched with a warm, summers day. The ones spent in your favourite knee length dress, that floats freely on the lazy breeze. 

All to often you forget who the fuck you are. You fail to see the specks of green amongst your sore, red rimmed eyes. You cannot see the myriad of depth and soul disguised within the hues of hazel, jade and sapphire framed pupils. You have disputes with the constellation of freckles, that reach out under your eyes. You fail to see the charm in them, how every single one can be connected. A dot to dot that is yours, and yours alone to translate. You, my love have blossomed into something more than pretty, you are soulful and benevolent.

On a day like today you aren't going to be able to look in a mirror, you will not see the beauty looking back. Right now, my love, you may be seeing sorrow, but the world sees potential. A seed, preparing herself, a spec of life, currently cocooned, that is going to become the most wonderful, exotic wildflower, one unlike any seen before, no, not one that can be biologically engineered to have perfectly symmetrical petals and carry the hue selected in a white testing room, from a colour chart on glossy paper, one beyond this earthly spectrum, one that grows tall and free, the one that provides the sweetest nectar, the one that supports, and nurtures all who may come after herself.

Please, take a moment to just breathe and remember your finest moments. The moments you made people cry with laughter, the broken hearts you have taken and sewn back together, the people you have guided to peace and serenity. All the beautiful things you have created, your paintings, your furnishings, your wall hangings and the home you created. With every new creation, you light a new star within yourself and the world. You can only climb a ladder one step at a time, and baby girl, your doing just fine.

You are beautiful, sporadic, inconsistent, patient, able to see every side to a story, artistic, poetic and free. You are the spirit of summer, the image of youth and headonism. Baby, you are incredible, a puzzle to be solved by only yourself, a miracle. You are loved, awed, envied, an inspiration to others. You possess talents you are yet to discover. With every new line upon your forehead, (the ones you sometimes worry about)  you grow evermore at one with the universe, you become harder to forget, the sweetest of memories for all to encounter. You become bigger, wiser, stronger and doll, you are never diminishing. You are no supernova, destined to end. You are a tale others will tell.

 The girl who did more than exist, the girl who lived.

So forgive yourself, have a sleep now darling. I pray you will wake and remember that you are more than important, you are a part something so much bigger than yourself. Just have a little patience. x



This is my most important post thus far. If you do one thing today, write yourself a letter, or if you don't feel comfortable, just take mine, I don't mind - honest. Recently I forgot to breathe and it almost killed me. Luckily I had two darling friends to remind me that I belonged here, on this planet. They brought me back to life and reminded me I was loved, please don't make the same mistake as myself. Just take a second to warm your heart. 
Again, thank you for reading, I'm going to leave you with something that I read today that touched my soul, an excerpt from 'This Modern Love, by Will Derbyshire' 

Dear Alex, 

Alone in cold sheets,

I imagine us folded like paper

In our origami bed.

And it keeps me warm.

Thank you for being there,

Even when you're not.

Love,

Freddie.

All my love, Soph. X