Honey, I'm good.

“I forgive people but that doesn’t mean I accept their behaviour or trust them. I forgive them for me, so I can let go and move on with my life.” —Meg Jarvis.  Image courtesy of Artidote/ Eryn Lou. 

Evening all! Firstly, I'm going to start with an apology. Recently my life has been unbelievably busy and my writing has took somewhat of a backseat. I have managed to lose my journal amongst the move so all previous scribblings are somewhere in the abyss. I've had a few semi-epiphanies of late and fresh out of the shower it's time to share them. Settle down with a fruity beverage and your favourite playlist, I have a feeling it's going to be a long one..

In the past month I have managed to lose a couple of friends. It's a shame because it is not, at all a loss to me. I don't think lose is the correct term for what has happened in all honesty. After my meltdown and lifestyle reform I realised all we ever really did together was get fucked up and talk shit about each other. My life was never going to change if I didn't make an effort. See, they were the ones I tried to call out to for help when I took an attempt at my own life, and as I paced around the room crying my eyes out, trying to get help, they were the ones who ignored me. They broke my heart, more than I thought anyone could. They were my sisters, the ones who dragged me through my own personal hell, and to me they were the ones that abandoned me in my darkest hour.

I had a lot of time to think whilst I lay alone in my hospital bed and the one thought that circled constantly was the knowledge that I would never, ever do that to another. I know it's selfish to expect people to be there, but we all do to some degree. So many people have been so willing to fill my cup/ cut another line for me to watch me blow, but they weren't there to catch me when it all caught up to me. Obviously I miss the freedom of not being me, of having this what I have discovered to be, fake circle of friendship, but for every positive move I've made, a positive reaction has followed. currently my circle is small, but it's fucking lovely and all I have received is support. For the first time ever, I'm not broke. I'm healthy. I'm fucking happy. I regret it has come to the point where I have to block twitter accounts so I can't see the venomous indirects, but it has allowed me clarity. I have not forgotten where I have come from, nor have I forgotten how hurtful you can be. I thank you for your help, but it is time to leave you with the old me. No longer will I be tiied to the vicious cycle of surrounding myself with the talkers, from now on you will find me with the do-ers.

I found out this week my ex got engaged. I have been over him quite some time now but it still made my heart drop. Not at the loss of him, nor the jealousy of his fiancee. It was the feeling that whilst I am back at square one, he had seemingly passed go 12 times, collecting £200 every time and avoiding every fucking obstacle. I was sad for a couple of hours, pitying myself. After that came the anger. The next day however, I awoke feeling refreshed. Yes, perhaps I'm not engaged, with a mortgage, shiny new car ect, but I'm discovering more and more about myself daily. I'm in a job that is hard and fucking tiring, but it's one that I love. Every day I leave happy. I do tend to shoot out the door at the end of my shift, but that is to avoid temptation and stick to my sobriety. Where at first I thought I was losing some competition I had concocted in my mind, against a competitor who was unaware he was ever in the game. I now see clearly, we are both doing fucking amazing! He is pursuing a life with a girl he loves. I am pursuing a life where I learn to love myself. I actually have a second date this weekend guys(!!!), I'm getting out and about doing what I want to be doing. I'm establishing new contacts in new areas and finding new hobbies. I've spent far too long focusing on what I'm not achieving, missing the milestones that I am flying by. Today I've been sober 42 days. Which in hindsight is the longest I've been sober since I was 14. I'm starting to trust myself again and I believe I am going to allow myself a 'cheat day' at some point. If I'm around the right people, in the right mindset, I may be okay. People may see this as a cop-out but really? I made it through the whole of the Christmas period without a drop to drink. At the moment I'm so fucking proud. I am becoming a better person everyday and I haven't had a meltdown or panic attack in 43 days. 

I spent a lot of time planning to run away to pastures new in order to no longer be a victim of my own decisions and to re-brand myself. I'm coming to realise, I don't need to move across the country to do so, I mean, it may still be on the books and I am in no way declaring myself a DeeDaar for life (cause Sheffield is a pretty small place), but right now, I'm sticking to good ole' 0114. I've found that by dissociating yourself from the negative people, activities and behaviours you can come back anew. This new Soph is one that people are now dropping messages to on the odd occasion to say how they admire her, I received one the other day from a lovely little lady who let me know how strong she thought I was, completely out of the blue. These life affirming texts and tweets are reminding me that somehow, I have managed to bypass my remit, lose all sense of self. To stop, turn myself around, pick myself up from rock bottom and build a new me.

I have begun (and bear with me, I will make my point) to appreciate my depression. I know it leaves me trapped under the ice sometimes. I struggle to breathe sometimes. On days I will wake with no desire to continue the meager existence. BUT, (and I do have a big one) when I'm not in a depressive episode I am the happiest person alive. I have spent today smiling for 12 hours straight. I see beauty everywhere. See, my theory is that when you spend so long unable to see the day, the second you see a slither of the sun you can appreciate it so much more than usual. Think, if you may (because by now you should know I love an anecdote) of summer, when it first arrives and you've spent so long shivering at busstops, that the first day above 10 dregrees you rejoice. Now think, if you spend a month in a heatwave, all you can see is sticky backs, countless trips to boots to load up on sun cream and awaiting Autumn's arrival. This is my mind, whereas some people are fortunate enough to never experience a depressive period they will never know the feeling of breaking free. I may struggle with my mind, but it is also one of beauty, appreciation and ponders.

I promised to write about my mental health at the beginning of this project and I guess my only way to do so is to throw my life out there, and hope you can all stumble through it, making some sense of my beautiful, yet chaotic mind. Perhaps you may even find some points you can agree with. I hope today's little ramble wasn't, well, too rambley. As the hour is late, and I'm a little peckish I will leave you to ponder your own little epiphanies. 

As an apology for leaving my writing in the backseat, I'd like to introduce you to my girl Laura's blog, shes currently off being the bravest lil' beaver doing her own thing in Denmark and forever looking amazing. Please check her at the-politicalcarrot.blogspot.com

As always, Soph. X