Cavorting, and snorting.
It has been my most consistent relationship throughout my adolescence, that journeyed with me to my twenties. It has been my best friend, comfort blanket, release, downfall and demon all at once.
I cannot picture my life without it in all honesty. Not physically needed, but mentally and socially. I have toyed with the idea of a year of sobriety for a while but do not believe I ever will, my friend has recently begun his, and I wholeheartedly wish him the best of luck with it. Honestly, I would be bored out of my mind without it.
I've drunk alcohol since I was about twelve, sneaking off to the park to down a bottle of Lambrini to go home, throw up, and promptly claim I'd had a dodgy kebab. My parents have never, ever condoned underage drinking, and would always punish me where they could (not like, locked in the cellar for five days with bread for supper, think like, taking away my laptop, DS, books ect) I guess they knew before I did that it does awful things to me.
I believe I had my first spliff aged around 13, my friends parent knew I was keen to try it and she offered for me to come and smoke a little hash in a safe environment. I think deep down she thought she was looking out for me, as many peoples parents have tried to over the years. It was wonderful, a grown up secret identity where I could go kick it after school, get blazed and talk about the world. My ma knew something untoward was going on but for years I would never, ever disclose my affair with cannabis and alcohol, for fear of her reporting said parent to the police. If I'm honest it's still a conversation I wouldn't like to have with my parents. My family know little of my usage other than what's been screamed at them in an intoxicated fit of rage. They are not people who agree with the use of illegal substances, they barely drink for Christ's sake!
My mam has never even had a drag of a ciggie and they only time I've seen her drunk was once, just after my dad had died when she thought we were asleep. (We lived with my gran for a while) and never since, has she allowed herself to be in a state. This is where I differ from my peers. They cannot bear the thought of being out of control, of not knowing what they are doing. Whereas I crave it. I relish in the thought of being someone else for a few hours, or days. (See my last previous post about going missing for days at a time) It's a dangerous relationship that I do need to quell, but again, it's not something I can imagine. I saw Russell Brands post they other day about being 15 years clean, my first thought was, 'What a guy!' My second? What has he done for fun for a decade and a half?! This is where I can see the danger in my lifestyle. I can't have one pint and go home after work, I end up in Bierkeller, falling off the table at 3AM, falling into a cab with a stranger and crawling into work the next day.
My love for drugs is not one to be proud of, but I am also not ashamed. It is a euphoric release, a sensation of being everything you ever wanted to be, a pure freedom, symbiotic of youth. I remember watching Skins in my early teens and thinking, 'Shit! that looks fun.' Then in my later years, bouncing down to a party, dropping a bomb on en route thinking 'these are gonna be the best days of my life.' Dancing my tits off, feeling loved and welcomed by every smiling stranger till six AM to music I could only describe as transcendent and ethereal. Post-use verdict: honestly, drugs are fucking fun, and they probably were my fondest memories of adolescence. I completely understand and would like to reiterate, they aren't for everyone, and as my boy Beans On Toast says,
So there's a right and a wrong to everyone
There's a hard luck story, and a half decent song
There's a spliff in the ashtray, a pen in my finger
A moral to the story that I can't even remember
But sometimes if you laugh too much it's gonna make you cry
You should enjoy the roller coaster
But not get taken for a ride
Everything in moderation, and one thing at a time
But whatever you do, just don't take my advice
To me, it's a song that is a, SICK, b, iconic and c, uncomfortably honest. I do not promote drug use, much as now you will only really catch me having a few tokes after drinks on a rare occasion. I can't recall the last time a psychoactive substance made it's way up my nasal cavities, and that isn't to say they never will again, because who knows? To me drugs are fine, as long as they are used right. By right I mean, with people you trust, taking just enough to get a buzz but not enough to end up on a drip. Others will disagree and I completely respect that. Each to their own. I had a long break from drugs after the death of my friend. We had took a plethora of narcotics together and shared many memories, both joyful and heartbreaking. He fucked up, in the nicest of ways. He fucked around with legal highs, you only have to put the telly on to see the devastation these so called 'cheap highs' cause. They broke him as a human, and as a result, he took his own life before he got to 18. They day of his funeral sent me clean. Never in my life had I attended a funeral of such a young person. Never, ever in my life had I attended a funeral where the deceased's father screamed at this coffin.
Seeing the hurt, and betrayal in his families eyes I ran away from my long term love affair.
In the years since I still drunk excessively, eventually I began to rekindle my friendship with good old Mandy, (MDMA) but only on the odd occasion. I didn't smoke for a long time as I no longer enjoyed it. It sent my head west and exaggerated any paranoia I was already carrying. Eventually I thought I had outgrown drugs. I lead what is perceived to be a very normal existence where I would have a few pints of Smiths, or gins. Often having too many and waking up with my head in the bowl of a toilet.
All of this information was disclosed to my partner who was very anti-drugs and often told me that if I ever slipped back into that lifestyle I would be out of the door faster than you could say 'rack up kid' So me being stubborn, petty Soph, the first thing I did after leaving him was to start it all up again. It caused serious tension within my family. My sister was disgusted (and rightfully so) that I was taking coke in the house her children were born in (they didn't live there at the time, I wasn't that disrespectful) She promptly informed me anything like that again and I would be out on the streets. With this said, I still do have a smoke every now and again.
Looking back over the years I never been able to see an issue with my behaviours. Now I know that this lifestyle is not normal. It has been me, seeking release. A desperation to feel pure ecstasy. I still cannot see it changing too much, I think as I grow and develop more of a sense of comfort with myself, this need to be on another planet will dim. Day to day life will eventually become enough for me to be content. As said at the begining of this post, it is a comfort blanket, a new identity for me. Soph the party girl, Soph who is always up for a laugh, Soph who doesn't give a fuck and lives in the moment.
This is gonna be Soph for a while I'm certain, but bear with me..
I appreciate this may be a post that's hard to swallow, hopefully if my family do see it they will be as understanding as they always have been.
As always, please be patient with yourself and accept your lapses, till next time..
Soph. x
P.s, I recommend you all check Beans out, his music is sick and he's the chillest guy.
P.p.s, I am in no way glamorising the use of alcohol and drugs to patch your feelings - it doesn't.
P.p.p.s, I should perhaps explain why I include Rupi Kaur in every post, she is incredible and just the kind of inspiration I feel you all deserve to have. Look her up.
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