Seven days in sunny June
This one is a little lighter on the palette, I'm going to talk about my happiness.
We are all guilty of forgetting that what makes us happy one day may not remain the same the next. Much in the way you can buy a skirt and wear it for a week straight feeling like you are a deity, then get ready to go disco dancin' (or for the younger generation, shake ya batty/get wavey) Saturday night and feel like absolute trash in it. I take pleasure in many various activities and have spent the past year trying to find 'my thing' Now I'm all for finding yourself but I think we focus too much on becoming established in being one sole identity. Personally, I have discovered I am many Soph's. One day I may jump on the bus and go for a 4 hours walk with the companionship of a pair of headphones and a cosy scarf, the next I may stay in bed and sew for eight hours straight.
I've found that variety truly is, the spice of life.
I am a creative type. I love to spend hours focusing on creating one piece that is symbolic of how I feel at that moment. It gives me a break from my worries and at the end of it, I have another beautiful item to display in my home, or a gift for a dear friend. I do love all forms of crafting and try to learn new skills as I go but my main fault is that I punish myself with my passion. I will beat myself up if I haven't picked up a brush/ needle/ pen in a while. I criticise my work to the point where it may just end up in the bin next to the 15 teabags used whilst in creation. This, I have found is the norm amongst like minded people, I have promised myself that anything I make from now forth whether I love or loath will be kept in a folder to browse on my less spirited days, and that if I don't want to have a productive day and just spend a day in bed watching prison docs, that's fine too.
This year I started going for weekends away with my closest friends to a caravan in Skegness. The sea air does something to me, it brings out a child like joy reminiscent of the six weeks holidays and going on long, late night drives. Now, financially this is not something that is always viable and when running low on funds, I head off to the Peak District. It is the one part of Sheffield I know I will long for after I leave. It's a spiritual place where you can wander to your hearts desire, taking in the simplistic beauty of nature. It is the place where I feel at my purest. Again though, it's not always the appropriate release. Depending on which Soph I wake up as, I need different muses.
Some days, I enjoy just looking at buildings. The character behind architecture is often forgotten, stone giants in their slumber. It is a strange one to count as a bringer of joy but they make me smile. There's an air of wonder in them, the stories behind them, the people that created, designed and built them from a bit of sand and stone. I think life has become so fast paced that we forget to take not of our surroundings, to appreciate man-made, and natural beauty alike.
I spend most days tapping away at the computer in a call centre, it is easy to fall in to the humdrum, mundane pattern of treating people as numbers and forgetting they all have a library of stories, a lifetime of tales. I try, where I can, to speak with them about such tales. I remember once speaking with a Scottish mental health nurse about having family in Scotland, transpired he had family in Sheffield. We spoke about his stories, and travels and at the end of the call he asked me to take his number and to ring him if I ever needed a chat. (I didn't and still to this day wish I had) In a way, my job brings me joys in unexpected ways. The amount of people from various backgrounds I meet is incredible and I love getting to know them. We always underestimate how much time we spend at work and don't put enough of ourselves into building relationships there. As with all jobs, it can be hard and it can be detrimental to my health but fortunately there are people about who tell me when I need to stop, take a step back and breathe. These are the people that you need to keep hold of, they are the ones who will bring you joy.
My biggest happiness is as expected, family and friends. I have a rather large immediate family and if I'm honest we do not see each other as much as we should. I have 3 brothers and two sisters, two beautiful nieces and a nephew. I am so, so, so fortunate to have a mother, my stepfather and my gran. (there are other grandparents and an uncle but due to personal issues I no longer have contact with them) If you saw us all at the pub together you would never imagine we are related as we are all so differed! Somehow, amongst our chaotic lives, we all still manage to come together now and again, often by accident when we pile into my ma's house without planning it, and honestly, seeing them so content in their lives is the best blessing. My ma and stepdad are still madly in love after 15 years together. Friends often remark on how they sit together holding hands. It's a big house hold, but fuck me, its a belter environment to be brought up in. We were spoilt with time, understanding, honesty and love. Going round to my ma's on the way home from work or nipping into my sister's to see the bairns is the best way for me to round up my day and discuss the stresses of the office. As with all things though, too much can have an adverse effect. Spending too much time can lead me to question how my life has turned out so different, sometimes beginning to believe that because I don't have it all figured out yet that I am somehow failing.
My friends are the fucking best, they are patient and caring and always try to help me. Recently I had a meltdown where I was signed off work for a week, again(!). A lovely lady from work made the effort to text me every single day to remind me that I am important and loved. She reminded me every day to take my meds and to take my time to gather my thoughts and rebuild. This is the sort of compassion you often see from best friends, not work friends. She was an integral part of me realising that I do matter. If I could make such a profound impression on a work friend, I could really be loved. - So Sam, thank you and I love you dearly. I often have tiffs with my closest friends because I have backed myself into a corner where I feel unwanted and useless. I convince myself their tweets and posts are aimed at me and explode at them. How they deal with me, I have no fucking idea, but they do, and Sunday morning brunch is my favourite part of the week, admittedly the past few weeks I have distanced myself from them and it's been a weird time for me, but girls, I'm coming back, I promise.
To round up this post I guess I'm saying there are many things that create a smile, the other day a banana peel made me smile, a fucking banana skin, not bad for a depressive ey! It's just a case of slowing down sometimes, seeing whats around you and taking it all in and accepting that some days, you aren't gonna smile. There is a beauty in almost everything you see, you've just gotta accept it.
I hope you see the beauty in today,
Soph. x
P.s, these blogs have been journals I have had stashed for a while slightly amended to bring up to date. Obviously from now forth they will slow a little and continue to ramble. Hope you's don't mind waiting a while for the next.
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