INTRO:

So far my journey through the murky depths of mental health have been a confusing roller coaster ride (I am avoiding cliche terms but..) that without support and reassurance I doubt I would have had the courage to explore. This blog is a therapeutic remedy for myself, and hopefully for others who often doubt their diagnosis or struggle to understand. 

So quickly, an introduction to who I am,
 I'm Soph. Known as the messy, quite loud, Calamity Jane. I tend to bumble through my days getting busy, doing nothing. I make things for fun, whether it be cakes that say fuck you, to embroidery, to dressing tables. I send boys weird messages on Tinder simply to entertain myself. I drink a lot of Guinness & Gin. I love all kinds of music and I am at my happiest when in a small social gathering with a couple of friends singing, and playing. I'm a lost 20 something usually seeking social acceptance.

So, an introduction to my own mental health:
10 years now I have had depression, the beginning of 2017 however, brought a new discovery, an extra twist to shake up my already chaotic life, depressions nasty little companion, anxiety. Now I know I am ill, and it isn't my own fault as people have lead me to believe but I still to this day have occasions where I wonder if I am actually a depressive or just not strong enough to keep moving forward. Not every day is a struggle, and most people who know me could not understand how me, the bubbly, witty, sparky Soph could possibly be depressed. (Cue the 'but you dont loooook depressed' lines.) 

The sad truth, 1 in 4 brits will suffer from some form of mental health issue, but not enough people have the support to seek help. Perhaps this is what leads to people not fully accepting their own diagnosis's, never being sure as to whether they are actually as ill as they feel, or perhaps its seeing people who have been sectioned or have took attempts at their own life and thinking, well I've never been in that position so I must just be a little weak. 

Myself, for years thought I was just a difficult teenager. At 13 I attempted to take my own life, after a few weeks in hospital and facing my family to tell the truth on what was actually contained in my head, I still doubted myself. I kept moving forward paying no attention to my diagnosis, often leading to sporadic periods where I would spontaneously combust and for lack of a better phrase - lose it. I would disappear for days, sometimes weeks putting my parents through a living nightmare. I chased euphoric highs, experimenting with whatever I could get my hands on and destroying many relationships with family, friends and peers along the way. I never stopped to consider that something wasn't right and truly believed I was simply being a free spirit. Confession - regardless of what I've discovered in the past year and the progression I've made - I still go on benders, stopping my meds, making rash decisions and casting aside the friendships I deem to be sensible due to the need to lose myself, to forget for a moment what is happening in my mind and focusing on physical pleasures.

The decision to disclose this information to peers has been one that I have pondered many times but backed out at the last moment due to fear. (The following posts are ones that have been wrote out in notebooks and kept safe at home until I could face releasing them) Fear of colleagues, old friends and distant family members seeing the full picture, the gritty truth. I am ill, with an illness that makes me inconstant, uncontrollable and unreliable. It is not an excuse for my behaviours but it is a largely contributing factor. There is no overnight fix, an if I'm honest I cannot picture a day where I will not still be ill, the goal is to be more in control of my illness.

This has been the first year I have been able to confront my mental health head on. Speak with doctors, disclose my illness to work and look to seek actual assistance. This has been the first year I have began to understand myself, start to love myself and build towards my idea of a future.

In some ways, this blog is my way of working through feelings and remembering we are all human, and sometimes we're gonna fucking struggle.

See you soon, hopefully
Soph x