One sunflower, standing tall.
I've been a little bit broken pretty much as far back as I can remember. Something inside is always a little off kilter. The people I work with think I'm completely off my rocker when I'm bouncing about the floor, forcing smiles upon people who probably (definitely) do not want to be on the receiving end of them. You'll catch me disclosing my full history to a stranger from Tinder, or speaking to punters in the pub like I've known them from birth. I can't help it, I buzz off my surroundings.
I'm struggling to think of a sensible way to format this post, sort of a one pro, one con list, but I don't think I'll stick to that so I'll just ramble on and hope someone, somewhere knows what I'm talking about, sort of? Off we go then, kids.
So, I feel pain, deeply and disastrously. It has nearly broke me completely numerous times. The way I co-depend on, well anyone who says hello. I trust them with all I am, will spend my day waiting for the favourite of the week to text me. Not necessarily in a 'fancy u' kind of way, just as validation that I am indeed, their friend and I'm not kidding myself. I feel awful if I don't respond to a text immediately (although, of late I have got better at doing that, or forgetting to respond at all, sorry guys!) and it is insane. No one has the time to be texting inane updates on their day, so why on earth have I become so dependant on it.
On the flip side of this, I fucking love that I am so readily available to be there for people, drop me a text if you're feeling blue and you will see what I mean. I wear my heart on my sleeve and despite not being sure how ready I am for a relationship it takes all of 3 seconds for me to decide I do actually fancy you. For example, right now I am crushing HARD on a guy that I never thought twice about before the start of this week, all because he took the time to give a shit about me. (Don't worry kids, I'm not worried about it not being reciprocated, always more fish right?..) That's all it takes with me, show a beautiful mind and a kind heart and I'm putty in your hands.
Mixed one, I love and hate that I buzz off the people I'm around. If I'm around people who are glum I'll try my bloody best to bring them up, after a few hours if it hasn't worked I get pulled into a slump. It genuinely breaks me a little bit, the anxiety begins and I feel worthless. I know, its ridiculous to allow yourself to be so moved by someone else's bad days, but it happens. However, I love that I work so hard to bring others joy. I think its a wonderful trait to possess, I may spend an entire afternoon/night out making a tit of myself for their benefit but if it works, it works.
I love the way my mind wanders, it's so broad and accepting. I love learning, listening. If you have a tale to share, I will soak it in. Peoples mindsets fascinate me. I love to hear of other cultures, belief systems, coping mechanisms, even their stories of sorrow. Everything people have to say I will take in. I also love sharing, I am quite open now about my mental health, my life so far and my fuck ups. I think it is important to endeavour to meet at least one person from every walk of life and to really talk to them. Like the kind of talk that occurs at 4AM when you're sat about sharing a spliff and pondering the earth.
I hate waking up with a tightening chest, knowing today is going to be fucking turmoil. That's there's little I can do to turn my day around, accepting that I have to roll with the punches. It's easy to say and know brighter days are coming, but in reality you know darker ones will follow shortly. I cannot count the amount of days I have woke in the past year, being heart broke that I have woken, nor the amount of days I fallen asleep after hours of tossing and turning praying that this day will be my last. Not having a valid reason for any of it. It's exhausting in a way you will only know if you've experienced it. It is questioning yourself, your existence, to put it simply, it is a bit wank.
It's not fucking easy, but some days it can be the most rewarding. I love, and loathe my mind.
Please accept yourself, others and be open to talk.
As always, Soph. X
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