Storm in a teacup

The eyes are the windows to the soul. Beauty lies in the eye of the beholder. When a woman is talking, listen to what she says with her eyes. Where words are restrained, the eyes often talk a great deal.. I could go on with the cliche bullshit we see on insta daily, but for a while now I've been privy to a secret, the eyes portray nothing more than we choose give away. People say that the eyes hold the tale, the soul, everything we are. This is bollocks, they are equally as deceiving as the smile upon the face. I've always loved my eyes personally, it is possibly the only part of me I am actually okay with (despite one young man informing me in school that they were 'buggy and freaked him out' cheers mo!) , and for years I've said my eyes give me away - in some aspects they do. When I've had a bit of a meltdown at work its near on impossible to not spot the redness. However, they do not, in any way begin to portray a spec of my timeline. Not a morsel of the a...

It feels weird to call you a friend, when really all I know of you is your name and your music, however it feels weird to call you a stranger when you know so much of me. It feels weird that one gesture may invoke a thousand feelings, a thousand thoughts. It feels weird that I thought maybe I was just someone that fitted the mould at the time, and was forgotten as fast as I was found. I know now that I made an impact. It feels weird that I could mean something to someone who was almost a stranger. It's a weird situation when you are writing to someone other than your beloved about so many feelings dwelling within you. Truthfully, it feels weird, because I thought I had put down the pen, (or the laptop to be precise) as I had reached the pivotal moment when my life became all I had wanted it to be, to had reached happiness, only to be inspired by someone who had honestly had become a person I once had a fleeting interaction with. Turns out I was wrong about who I am, and how t...

Good evening my lovelies, I am now (almost) all settled in at my new home and after spending a week or so making adjustments and ensuring my comfort, I am back as promised. Things are going well at my end, I am still continuing to enjoy work, I am very much still in a happy, healthy, rewarding relationship and amongst all the chaos I have managed to maintain a healthy diet and create some lovely pieces for my little home. Regardless of all the above, I found myself facing an age old foe today, lonliness . The definition of loneliness is as follows,  Loneliness  is a complex and usually unpleasant emotional response to isolation.  Loneliness  typically includes anxious feelings about a lack of connection or communication with other beings, both in the present and extending into the future. As such,  loneliness  can be felt even when surrounded by other people. Even after spending a long weekend with my beloved and feeling as safe and content as ev...

Good evening my dearest darlings, I'm back in honour of the birthday of our greatest achievements birthday, The NHS is turning 70. I'm here to simply say my thanks. A quick catch up, Right now I'm sat in my bedroom, (in my pants due to this wonderful climate) , next to my favourite flowers, sat upon my new, hand painted vase with all my favourite songs on in the background. I've settled in extremely well in my job. I've met some amazing characters and I've passed my probation. I'm still drinking, albeit more responsibly, I'm still clean and I'm still doing so, so well. Granted, I've not managed to do some of the things I  designed , but I've still had the best spring/summer I can remember in such a long time. I've just signed a new tenancy agreement and paid the deposit to jump back into a life that has terrified me for so long. I'm finally at a place where I can somewhat trust myself to be able to survive, and fucking thrive, in m...

Good morning my darlings, as it's mental health awareness week I figured it's the best time to talk about what's been going on in my world. I hope you are all well, and you've all been taking good care of yourselves. I've managed to get a holiday day booked in (long weekend, yay!) to enjoy the sunshine and to have a breather, so with a day of freedom ahead of me, here we go.. First up, I guess I should give you all some form of update on where I am at. Well my lovely's, I'm in a new job, and I'm actually doing alright at it, I've made some lovely friends already, I've somehow managed to have at least one adventure every week for quite some time now. I got to see Beans On Toast (I know I've told you before, but again CHECK HIM OUT) finally on Saturday (and got unbelievably bollocksed)  I've been on a couple of dates. I've been braver than ever with my attire and I've never felt as fabulous. I've been super kind to my b...

So, I've been in quarantine since Monday, I am now aware of how fucking irritating and irrational tonsils are. (feel free to send flowers ect) I also learnt how inconvenient it is to have a history of overdosing, when it's 2:30AM, you are in agony, the pharmaceuticals are hidden and your sisters asleep, but we live and learn! I've decided to come back and fill you all in on my little life with some of my free time. So here we go again,  Live, from the house of toddlers, puppies and tonsillitis I have an announcement.. I AM FUCKING HAPPY. Beautifully, simplistically, wholly, gloriously fucking happy. I've been apprehensive about broadcasting this, fearing that it would become the catalyst for that ever waiting cloud to reappear, but for a while now I've remained safe. I've had 'normal people blues' of course but no depression, no anxiety, just the average range of emotions and thoughts. Usually something like this would have been accompanied...

I really hate to post art without credit to the author but cannot find any back info, this this is something I found on artidote that speaks to me currently 5:00 WED 7 MAR Why is it you whisper, when you really need to yell? Well, it’s my day off, I have no internet, it has been a fucking horrendous week, and I am just about ready to give up on the day. I have had approx. 4 hours sleep and my body will not allow me anymore. So here I am, tapping away at a word doc, to copy and paste when I get to an area with my beloved internet connection. 8:00 WED 7 MAR …Struggling to collect my thoughts into one coherent place. Thus writing deleted. Will resume after a brew. 10:00 WED 7 MAR I’m a little bit sad, a little bit mad, but all round glad. It’s a funny old thing, dating. The breakup to an almost relationship leaves you with a sense of loss that you can’t comprehend. You weren’t ever together, but you thought it was headed that way. It’s a sense of grief for ...

Hey, it's just lil' old me again guys. As you may tire of hearing, I have been awfully busy of late and in an effort to ensure I am well rested and prepared for my following days, my rambling has been put to one side. Given that I've had an afternoon nap and cannot think of any current domestic emergency (other than the knowledge a takeaway is coming, none of which is mine?!?!) , rejoice! I am back. 53 days now since I've had a panic attack. 53 days since I changed my life. 53 days since I thought I didn't want to be here. 53 days since I realised I was surrounded by people who had my worst intentions at heart. 53 days since I started building positive relationships. 53 fucking days since I've took any form of stimulant/ depressant (other than caffeine, cause fuck, lets not expect miracles) Essentially, 53 days since I turned my life around. So much has happened in those 53 days, some that I have covered and some that I hadn't. If you'd have tol...

“I forgive people but that doesn’t mean I accept their behaviour or trust them. I forgive them for me, so I can let go and move on with my life.”  — Meg Jarvis.   Image courtesy of Artidote/ Eryn Lou.  Evening all! Firstly, I'm going to start with an apology. Recently my life has been unbelievably busy and my writing has took somewhat of a backseat. I have managed to lose my journal amongst the move so all previous scribblings are somewhere in the abyss. I've had a few semi-epiphanies of late and fresh out of the shower it's time to share them. Settle down with a fruity beverage and your favourite playlist, I have a feeling it's going to be a long one.. In the past month I have managed to lose a couple of friends. It's a shame because it is not, at all a loss to me. I don't think lose is the correct term for what has happened in all honesty. After my meltdown and lifestyle reform I realised all we ever really did together was get fucked up and talk ...

I've had a little break from writing recently due to a rather severe blockage and lack of time, but I'm back (following a kick up the arse from a lovely chap) kids. It's a rambly update on my mundane life and kudos to anyone who bothers to read I suppose. Settle down with a brew 'cause here comes another overshare.. I've been sober over a month. I'm back in full time (ish) work. I'm feeling all round, healthier. I've successfully changed my lifestyle, and I'm bloody proud. Yet with all this going on I've still been rather blue. Granted, my depression has not been anywhere near as deep or as painful as it was, but it's still very much a part of my day to day life. Currently I'm just devoid of emotion and not really feelin' myself. If I'm completely honest I'm struggling to write right now, but in an attempt to get back to where I was, I'm giving it a go. So first off, sobriety update. I have actually managed a full...

So kids, today I left my job. A lot of questions have been asked and I'm growing rather weary of answering them individually so, here's a lil FAQ style piece to clear it up..  (that doubles as a farewell to all the lovely faces I've seen around) What will you do now? I've worked since I was 16. Not always hard, admittedly. I dropped out of college to work full time in the pub because my desire for money was stronger than my desire for higher education. At the time it was the right decision. I wasn't applying myself to any of my work and I changed subjects almost every term. Not one of my (numerous) courses was relevant to any career I fleetingly fancied. With that said, I've never truly known what I want to do. I have wanted to be a teacher, a lawyer, a chef, a publican, a plumber and most recently a counsellor, I still have no set path. Right now, I'm still employed by the pub and I will spend some time there, figuring out where I want to be, just o...

I waited a year to write this letter. I let all the pain simmer down, to gratitude. In the past twelve months you have gone from my only thought to not even a second thought. You have become, my love, a character in a tale from times gone by. An experience and a memory of who I used to be. You probably wont read this, nor any of my work. If one of our mutual friends mentions it, you probably wouldn't even bother to ask what is said. You'll expect anger and accusations, please understand, this is neither of those. It is a letter of appreciation and good will. When we first met I thought nothing of you other than the good looking guy who tipped well and wore tight T-shirts. You were the drunken fool, clumsily trying to court me. You'd lean over me, smiling when I selected Rod Stewart on the jukebox. If anything, this is what made me agree to join you and your friends on a night out after I had finished my shift (after you had wore me down over a matter of weeks) You seem...

It's Saturday night! No work tomorrow, (Possibly, undecided on how much OT I wanna put in at the mo, and I have a new tattoo booked for tomorrow night so..) historically my Saturday nights have consisted of an evening of flirtations, throwaway romances. Tonight I am going to the pub sober. Before I get out of my comfy jeans and turtle neck I figured I'd write about my pulling pattern. . (I don't expect many of you to be spending your Saturday night reading my blog.. I'll see you in the morning, perhaps?) Right off the bat, I am a fucking nightmare. I'll be head over heels, chasing my poor, unsuspecting victims, interrogating them with varied questions about their opinions, experiences and beliefs. Trying to get a glimpse inside their mind. I fall in love with all of my crushes, but often it's a friendship love. I still speak to many of my encounters. I offer them advice on where to take their dates and fill them in on mine! I have this desire, you see, ...

(This is a letter I wrote to myself some time ago, to remind me on my worst days that I matter) Hey doll, it's been a long day right?  I expect right now, you just want to close your eyes for a while. Please, before you do, just stop and read this. You are tired and scared, but you are tired because you have been a warrior for so long now, you've been treating water daily to keep your head amongst oxygen, flailing aimlessly at invisible foes, stabbing at your tiring heart. Sweetheart, it would be impossible to shine so bright without ever dimming once in a while. It's easy to say don't worry, it's going to get better, it probably won't help right now but the reality is, it will, but it may not be straight away. Right now just breathe and remember, remember how beautiful spring can be. How throughout the winter the world is so cold, the branches of the aged trees barren, reaching desperately for their armoury of leaves. This season of blues goes on for so...